Where Does ‘It’ Go?

I am watching a portion of my Dad disappear.

My Dad adopted me when I was about 5 years old. He married my mom and got three little girls in the deal. I remember when they returned from their honeymoon, and he brought me a first gift. It was one of those write and lift up to magic erase boards…I loved it! That was the first of many gifts Dad gave me.

As time went on that little gift was first in line of many things Dad gave to me. He built me my first bike out of parts obtained and I remember the green color, and the ‘banana seat’. It was so cool! I couldn’t even ride well, but he taught me to over come my fears and that really was best gift.

Dad gave me the shoulder to cry on when a boyfriend drama found me, over and over! He is a quiet man, and a great listener. He had to be with five females with so much to say in his home, so when he could get a word in—it was heard!

Dad and Mom live with me now, and I have the privilege, along with, frustrations of caring for them.

Dad says, “getting old sucks!”

The aging process is taking away so many things in their twilight years. We all know it will happen, but as the dementia invades his mind, I wonder where did all of the wisdom, and profound guidance gone? How am I now the one who has to guide him?

Dad is still in the moments of life, but then, doesn’t remember them after just an hour.

We laugh together, and share the disappointment of our favorite baseball teams’ tough year– wishing for the rebuild of the Kansas City Royals to a Championship again. He was there at the 1985 and in 2015 World Series Championship victories! But now, as soon as the game is over, he doesn’t recall who won, or what the score was.

Where did that ability go?

As we play a daily game of cards together with Mom, he is so jovial to play, just as he’s always been, but as soon as the cards are dealt and the ‘wild card’ is announced, he forgets what it is, and inevitably, discards to me the current wild card, making whoever sits next to him is a sure receiver of a game winning card!

Why?

Why can’t he remember for even a few minutes this simple game, and what the current wild card is?

Dad is in need of help with his meds, and I am taking on those small tasks to assist him.

But where did that small detail disappear to?

They say Dementia is like the tangling of your brain…things just get stuck in the short term memory. He just can’t bring it back through the tangles. I am seeing him check out of conversation now, so he doesn’t bother people with questions, or so that our pointing out, he ‘forgot’. Is it demeaning to him, to hear that he ‘knew it’ or ….we just did it, and it has already ‘left him’.

Where did it go?

It’s a progressive departure of things he is losing, a picture of things we all will experience as we age.

I guess it’s God’s plan of readying us for leaving this life that we hold onto so tightly. It starts at forty, or fifty, or sixty…we begin to lose our flexibility, our balance, sex drive, ability to recall a name, a scripture or date. Then our memory or memories grow dim. I think the losses of these and other things are preparation for letting go of this life and creating a longing for our real home. The home going to the place a Believer’s real place is…in the presence of our Lord, and the Most High God. Our citizenship is in Heaven, Philippians 3:20 tells us.

Maybe that is where all of those things we cannot recall is at! Maybe our abilities we lose, are there in eternity future. The one thing we can rejoice in losing is sin! Our glorification is sure, and that glorified body will be ours.

I am watching the process of aging up close. I will need more patience and a continued sense of grace and mercy as I step over many lines of dignity, and respect for Dad.

I’ve always told Dad he was a picture of God’s redemption in my life. He came to the rescue when a loss of a dad in a divorce was my situation, and God gave us a new Daddy. He gave me a happy childhood, with stability and security. He was so ready to love three little girls he didn’t physically ‘father’, so unselfishly…like God does.

I don’t know where this gentle man came from, and now I don’t know where he is going…but I have been profoundly impacted by this gift.

Dad, I count it a privilege to care for you now. Please don’t go completely away before you leave this world, cuz I love hanging with you.  

God you hold it all in your sovereign control and I trust you.  Hoping to write more in this season of life….

Always lots to say,  Kristi

Hope, aging, dementia, elder care, redemption, memory loss