People write for many reasons. Some write out of emotion; deep sorrow, anger or loneliness.

Some write to inform or teach; their opinion on politics, a new truth discovered, or a historical lesson that can serve as a reminder or encouragement. 

And some write to vent; to express frustration, or as their own personal therapy.

I think I write for all of those reasons from time to time.

This holiday season has churned up in me many emotions. 

I have experienced life this holiday season from the highs of ‘Hallmark perfect life, kiss and ending’ – to the arguments of politicians throughout the CNN & FOX News coverage of Impeachment of a President.

I believe having expectations gives me hope, or maybe hope builds my expectations. But today I confess, my expectations have brought me to a low point of disappointment. A place I seem to visit often.

Some may stay away from low points by not ever setting any expectations, so they are not disappointed. But that is not me – I cannot operate that way.

I miss Uni, and I hate that Dave is without her. I miss Irina, and I hate that Billy and Natalia will have to go on without her. I hate that Amanda is missing her mom, and that Tim Challlis suddenly lost his Dad this week. 

Isaiah 57:1-2 “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.”  NLT

I hate that my Dad is slowly going away from us, and into his own quiet world, but yet he is not fighting cancer like our friend Johnny Cox, or cousin Tony Scott. And the ups and downs of the transplanted liver the Biter family are living thru has been so emotional. And then there is the the unbelievable care Rhandyl gives to Remi, day in and day out so that she can breathe.

Do you know how much I miss being with more of our family for the holidays? I want to hold Taj and kiss him and sing with him all the Christmas songs, and see and hear his voice of excitement of Christmastime. I fight jealousy of so many fellow grandma’s who have a daily or even weekly time with their grands…yet, I am the one who moved, so –  too bad Kristi. 

Expectations get me in trouble…it’s really a prideful place to be. Thinking you know what is best, and then planning your life around it. Thinking my plans are perfect and should happen.

And then the battle begins and I fight to find gratitude and contentment.I am learning to live in a state of war. When I begin taking up my weapons, I start with confession. I confess my pride to control things, and then I repent, and then I move onto name out loud my blessings. You see, I just don’t love God with all my heart, soul and mind and strength. I am flawed and live in a temple that wants to serve my flesh, and there is a war going on.

My disciple (a young college student I meet with each week)  and I took a look at the Lies that we believe.  She identified her greatest struggle is believing that God is different than her earthly Father is. (She didn’t have a great dad.) My greatest struggle is believing that God is enough.  

Oh, Lord teach me again this day and every day that: You are Enough.

Lord, may I rest in the expectations that will never be disappointing… May I Rest in these truths:

1 – God, You are ALWAYS good.

2 – God, You see us – in our sorrow over the loved one we are missing this season, and the uncertainty of a diagnosis, or fight for that transplant to be successful.

3 – God, You love us.  You proved that in sending EMMANUEL, you gave us God the Son, to show us who you are, and let Him die to pay for our sin.

4 – God, We can trust you. You have got the political stuff figured out, and told us this in truth many times. You knew the day you would call my friends home, and how long many days my dad has left.  

God rest ye merry gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember Christ our Savior

Was born on Christmas Day

To save us all from Satan’s pow’r

When we were gone astray

Oh tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Oh tidings of comfort and joy

Your life is held in the palm of our Great God, may that bring us Comfort and Joy…

Love to you all,

Kristi