I hope by the end of this blog, my attitude and joy will be restored because right now I am having a difficult time.  I’m not writing to vent, but to get the proper perspective for my heart that is filled with sadness and fighting not to move into anger.  The tears have already flowed, but come back to my eyes and I am able to blink some back. All of my plans for this day, Christmas, have fallen apart right before me.

It was such a good plan and going so well.  We were going to spend Christmas in San Luis Obispo, CA with our son Drew and his wife Anicia…Caleb would join us and after being a part for almost 2 years at the holidays, I was so excited.  I made my plane reservations, which is easy and even a delay in Denver didn’t hinder anything. The real tricky part would be for Stan to be dispatched to California, and routed close enough to spend a day or even two with us as he would still be training a student, so staying under a load would be necessary….but it could happen. Stan’s company tries really hard to honor a request for their drivers.

It was all falling into place well! He was actually in California before my flight landed. He had a Fed Ex load from Portland to Oakland and would deliver early AM on Christmas Eve. I spoke to him at 12:30 AM on the 24th and all was well. He was rolling south and would deliver as planned.  No weather delays, loading delays or any other problems. I hung up feeling so excited we would meet in San Luis and all be together!  I went to bed smiling.

I was awakened by a text message notification! It was from my mother in law sending our family traditional greeting on Christmas Eve….”Christmas Eve Gift” which her family called out to each other on this day, and tried to be the first one to say it!  Well, in a text of course she won!  Then I texted back “that wasn’t fair!” and it doesn’t count on text!  But she got me!  As I continued looking at my phone, I did my “find my IPhone” App and looked for the location where Stan was. This has been a great way to “track” him as he drives all over the country.  But as I looked, it was no…”When what to my wondering eyes appear” moment.  It was an “oh no!” moment.  He was just south of Salem, OR.  He should be in Oakland, CA by now.  As my heart began sinking, I looked at an App that shows dialogue between his dispatcher, I found what was happening.

He had broken down! Our brand new truck, that’s never had a problem was down. As I spoke to Stan, he was in “dealing with it” mode. It started at 3:30 AM. Sensors began to go off indicating a problem, and then the truck began to lose power. He got down to 2 MPH, and limped into a truck stop.  His first priority was to get the FedEX load transferred, and that was going to be a wait, as there were no Prime Trucks near.  Next, get towed to the nearest Peterbilt repair shop, 100 miles away near Medford, OR. He explained they would be open until 5 pm so there would still be a chance to get the DEF repaired. I won’t explain what that is, cuz I couldn’t even if I wanted, but I was holding onto, ITS POSSIBLE!

But after a diagnosis was done, there wasn’t enough time for a repair by closing time…so right now, Christmas morning, Stan is not coming, and the repair won’t happen until tomorrow, the 26th. Caleb will go back to So. Cal, and all of my plans have been thwarted.

So, keeping perspective; here is the truth, he was not in an accident, he isn’t alone, his student is with him. We might still see him in a couple of days. But…and this is the truth…I’m fighting hard to see the Sovereign plan of my King Jesus that I celebrating today! He is in control, and must have some reason for this timing. I cannot see it, I am fighting for joy in this. I am fighting to see how this is good. I am fighting with God on it.

I know it’s not a loss, a death, a tragedy in perspective to what so many others are dealing with. Experiencing their first holiday without a spouse, or a child, or a parent, or sibling. I can think of a person with each of those situations today. It’s all about perspective isn’t it?

It was just a great plan that was so close to perfect, my plan. I’m trying to see that Plan B, His plan is best. I am looking for blessings to count and there are many. Technology to see Stan and share our gift exchange, to be able to lay in the floor of Drew’s Studio and listen to his new songs he’s going to add to a new album in 2015. Seeing my sons share kind encouraging words to each other, share a delicious meal prepared so carefully by my sweet Daughter-in-law, and take my new  Grand ‘doghter ‘ Junie B on a walk in the sunshine of the Central Coast.

These are my gifts this year and I am thankful.  I don’t write for your sympathy, or empathy, but as a confession to the King of trying to sit on the Throne, He only can sit. Emotions try to rule my heart’s throne, not truth. He loves me and knows what was best or this Christmas Day.

Proverbs 16: 9 says “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

Daniel 4:35  “All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, “What have you done?”

Proverbs 19: 21 “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

Lord, May your purposes be accomplished in my heart and the heart of my family today. And thank you for loving me so much to teach me again how to teach myself the truth of the Gospel and your reigning over all.

Kristi